Exquisite…part 6

  Exquisite’s way of dealing with men she
becomes attracted to, starts out as simple
boy meets girl scenarios, but underneath
Exquisite is unconsciously looking  for a
way to fill a hole she had yet to acknowledge.
Usually, when people seek to fill these
gaping holes, they have a need to control
things. First themselves, then the
relationships. In fact, controling
things around you is helpful for your
ability to control yourself or your life.
The methods of control Exquisite uses
are usually of a nurturing kind. Men are
more controllable if they are 1. seen as
children, 2. toys, or just for fun. And if
she happens to meet a man who
carries the same abuse characteristics
of her past, she uses a reasoning so
intricate that she can turn the devil’s
 incarnate, into a broken angel.
  This ability to control becomes her
self worth. It becomes Exquisite’s
way of warding off pain ahead of time.
If she can control the guy, then what
happened in the past will never happen
again, this time she’s not giving her all.
She’s not giving up her control. So if
she has no expectations from a guy
then she won’t be disappointed. But,
expectations are natural, so when
this feeling of expectation comes over
her, she either runs from it, or she
attacks it.
  With words, Exquisite knows she’s
great, sexy, beautiful, special, but
not in deed. She tends to see
what some other people see when
they look at her. She tends too feel
what some others are feeling when
they look at her. 
  Again, she believes in her reasonings
for others, but even when she uses the
same reasonings for self, there is a
disconnect, and if she didn’t handle
a situation in a certain way, she
believes she’s bad, and therefore
must make up for that bad to feel
good again.
  Though these feelings really took
root and grew after her tragic
experience, really it’s something
she has been running from since
childhood. Exquisite was able to
find excellent distractions to
take her away. But, the furthur
she ran, the tighter the grasp
became, leaving Exquisite,
bewildered and feeling trapped.
to be continued….
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