Exquistite…part 5

  I had a friend once point out to me
my prediliction for comparing people
to murderers, more specifically, serial
killers. That’s because certain extreme
personality types are usually documented
publicly, so they make wonderful
  There was this young man who, one
morning just like any other, got up,
got dressed, said goodbye to his little
brother and his mom and left for school.
When he arrived home after school he
walked into an empty house, no furniture
no mom and no little brother. A note was
left on the refrigerator, the note said,
‘we’ve moved to blank, I’ve made
arrangements for you to live with your
  This was that young man’s tragedy, one
that left a hole in his center. He developed
a fear, or phobia, about being abandoned.
It first showed up as an unwillingness to
be alone. So he lured ‘friends’ with
promises of free booze and drugs. But,
when the drugs and booze were gone
so was the ‘friends’.  This need to fill
that hole in his center, became an
obsession that drove him into doing
unreasonable acts. His name was
Jeffrey Dahmer.
  What Jeffrey did to fill his hole was
evil. What Exquisite does to fill her
hole, is normal survival instincts.
  The reason I used such a broad
reference is because Exquisite
has a disconnection of what evil
is. What’s bad, what’s good. This
black and white ways of looking at
things is only applied to herself, not
others. It’s an unconscious thing,
because Exquisite knows the words
‘I am a good girl,’ but she is disconn-
ected from those words, so those
words becomes more like a question
for her, ‘Am I a good girl?
  To clarify, let’s use an example. If
you were attacked and somehow
during the struggle the attacker was
killed, most would look at that as
a good thing, either him or you, the
innocent survived, that’s how it
should be, for once justice balanced
  For Exquisite, that would be her first
thought, but then, her thinking gets
skewered, maybe she could have done
something differently. Maybe, he needed
help. ‘I hurt someone who was probably
sick and therefore, I’m bad.’
  This way of dealing with her actions or
decisions is harmful, because if Exqui-
site can talk herself into feeling a
guilt that is misplaced, then she can
convince herself to not do something
to save herself from going through
another tragedy. Usually, when our
tragedy comes in the forms of some
sort of abuse, we tend to revisit that
in our relationship choices.
  Funny enough, the closer you are to
the situation, the less you can see it
happening. Think about it, when you
look at your past relationships and
how ‘blind’ you were to certain things
when you were ‘inside’ the relationship
do you not say to yourself, ‘why didn’t
I notice that?’ The furthur you are
from a relationship the clearer the
view. Thats probably why counselors
are such good ideas for relationships.
With relationships being so far-sighted
you need someone to step outside in
order to get a clearer picture. Once
you get distance, as in time, you tend
to see things clearer.
to be continued…
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